I Am Ok

I figured I shouldn’t leave you all hanging after a particularly dismal blog post last week. It wouldn’t be fair to make anyone wonder if that was the bipolar in me coming out or if I was dead serious. I am going to say that it was a bit of both. When I say that I mean that the intensity of how I felt was tripled. I spent several days crying and wondering what the hell I was going to do. I am dead serious about leaving. I just don’t want to leave unprepared. My usual reaction would be to spontaneously just leave. But I reacted that way when I didn’t have children. I need to make sure I do this so that they are cared for. So I decided to take baby steps. Whenever I sit here and think about what all I have to do in order to leave I get overwhelmed and very panicked that I can’t do it. I am consciously making an effort to not think about it. Yesterday when I got paid I went to the bank to take care of several things. I lost my debit card sometime Friday and spent the weekend looking for it. I went ahead and reported it lost and checked to see if it had been used over weekend (nope!). Then I got a new bank id card (I go to credit union  and I love having that card, makes me feel safe). I had already decided to open a savings account. The original purpose was to put money in it for my trip to Egypt. At last minute I decided to set up my own checking account as well. I never felt so free in the last several years as I did in that moment. I had empowerment, I embraced it, and I loved it. My only mistake was that I did all of this at the branch my sister in law manages. I didn’t think about that at all, I am just used to going to that branch. As I ran on an errand to a client in the county I realized I probably should have done it at one of those locations instead of the one by the office. But I blew it off. When I got back to the office, the sister in law’s car was out front and I was parking in the back. By the time I got a bunch of stuff out of the car and got up there she was gone. Perhaps it was another reason for her being there, it is tax time after all. But I couldn’t help but wonder if she was telling Mr. P about me opening my own accounts. And of course I thought that because I was being sneaky. I know at some point he will know and that’s ok. I just really needed that moment.

What I haven’t done is talk to him. The biggest reason is that he is so non-confrontational that I would have to bring it up. He would get defensive and then the finger pointing will start. It always happens this way. I figure that this time he needs to really step up and fight for me if he really loves me. He knows that there is an issue since I rarely say anything to him throughout the day. The only time I talk to him is at our office and that is because my job will require it of me. So yea, he knows we have a major problem. And knowing him he will blame it on my menstrual cycle instead of realizing this problem isn’t all in my head.

I have one other problem. At Christmas time he kept telling me he didn’t know what to get me. So I literally sat with an order catalog and tried to hint at what type of things I like. Seriously, I am not hard to shop for. Crafty stuff, horror movies, books, canning supplies, etc etc. I got so frustrated with him that I ended up having to pick something out for myself just because he was being so difficult. This something was on back order and will be arriving in the next week. It’s some pendant that has some crappy romantic wording. I don’t want this shit now. What am I supposed to do? I really was hoping that we could deal with shit maybe AFTER tax time but ugh…..I dunno.

Anyhow. I am not sure if I am handling anything the “right way”. I don’t know what to do. I am taking it day by day and seeing what opportunities pop up. After tax season I will think of what major next step I will take and go from there. I may move out this year or maybe next. Regardless, it will happen.