Is it or was it love?
One of the positives of doing some themed posts during the week is that I have some extra time to really process a question or comment made to me that perhaps needs processing. I recently got a comment on my “Really 2010?” post and it basically said “if all love is lost then it’s worth leaving”. I was going to respond right then and there but that inner voice screamed at me and said think about it. I have and I think it deserves it’s very own post.
I have put alot of focus on my hurt. I think I have every right to feel hurt but I haven’t really worked through how I feel about him. Too much focus has been on how he has felt about me. I do care about him and don’t want to see anything horribly bad happen to him. I am not so sure that I do love him anymore. I know that there was a point where I did. I cannot pinpoint some real time frame where it suddenly was gone. Hell I am not sure that I don’t to be honest. Intimacy has been sporadic for quite some time. I am actually a bit ashamed to admit this but for awhile now I literally use him for physical satisfaction about once a month when my ovulation overwhelms me. I am at the point though that even with ovulation I am not interested in him.
Whenever the time comes that I have to tell him, I am afraid I may confuse fear for love. The idea of being alone is quite scary. We have been together almost 15 years. And having to tell him that I am leaving is going to be very difficult. So that is where I am emotionally. Just completely unsure of what it is I feel.
Another thing that was mentioned to me (and i can’t remember if it was on twitter or a comment here, sorry!) was that giving him an ultimatum may make him realize it’s time to make a change. I can foresee basically two outcomes with that. First he will say he will change and we will work up a plan, then nothing. Just like any other plan we have drafted. The other is that he will completely scoff at the ultimatum. This is the more likely outcome. Unfortunatley we are the same way when it comes to having an ultimatum presented, we won’t succumb. I really suspect that when it comes time to tell him, he is going to make this ugly and difficult. Not so much with the kids, I think I can make him understand how we can make things work ok with the kids. But as far as the relationship goes I will be the scapegoat. It is very difficult to always be the one at fault. And it’s not that I am not going to own up to my own faults within the marriage. But one person isn’t to blame. And I think knowing all of this makes me not love him or clouds my feelings for him.
I know exactly how you feel! Been there, doing it now! They ‘change’ for 2 weeks and then right back to the SOS. And everything is NOT my fault – or yours – but that is how they see it. Because we are the ones to finally make the break, then it is our fault and we are the bad guys. They refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions – or inaction – in the relationship. And the thought of being alone is scary! But trust me, continuing on as you are is not the answer – I have done that for way too long – wish I had left years ago but I let fear hold me back. The fact that we now live in different states makes it easier but I know that the final break is coming soon, and that is scary.
You are not alone in all this, so forge ahead with what is best for you – if you are happy, then your kids will be fine. Friends will be there to support you and help you deal -
for me, it was about realizing that i loved the man i married, and the man i thought he would become, and not the person i found myself waking up next to in the morning.
if i had not been spitting fucking angry the night i finally told him i wanted out, i would never have worked up the nerve. i knew that. i knew if i didn’t do it right then, i would talk myself out of it.
over the next three months, he did anything and everything he could to blame me, to frighten me, to intimidate me. once i said those words, “it’s over, i want a divorce”, once i made it REAL, none of that mattered as much as my freedom and survival. that night built a wall to defend me against his anger and pain.
being alone is hard sometimes. (check out my post today!) but my overriding emotion in all of it has been relief- i have to take care of myself and my house now- all by myself (lucky for me i have great friends to help out), but that is infinitely easier and happier and safer than walking a minefield in all my waking moments.
<3
I’ve been wanting to leave my husband of 5 years for the last three. Three years ago if we had not had a 6mo old at home, I would have just left the state. I find myself missing the man I agreed to marry, but thankfully my circumstances are not so bad that I am afraid of the man my Wolf turned into. It’s hard and I’m terrified, but I’m doing it.
Thank you so much for your honesty in this post.
.-= EmraldeKat´s last blog ..Ah, tough parenting questions from a Pagan perspective =-.