Dreams
It’s 5:00 am. I haven’t been up this early in a long time. Can’t help it this morning though, I have had a hell of a dream and I need to get it out. I had a discussion with the hubs about dreams. He was contemplating how it was we knew when we were in dream state and when we were in reality. After all, right now I could be in dream state. My reply was that if my reality was really a dream state then shoot me now because it wasn’t worth dreaming about. This didn’t go over too well but fortunately he gave me the chance to explain. My dreams are quite vivid, sometimes so much I have to gain my bearings when I wake up. This morning for example. My reality of working, taking care of kids, and paying the bills is no glorious dream and not horrid enough for nightmare status. It’s pretty mundane. My dreams sound, feel, and smell different than my reality. In my dreams I am never quite sure how I got to where ever I was and I seem to know everyone personally. In reality I know how I arrived to my location and I don’t know everyone personally.
So let’s skip forward to my horrifying nightmare. This time no monsters or ghosts chasing me, this was definitely dealing with my subconscious fear. That fear is losing my children. I think all parents dream that sort of thing at least once. Why I chose to dream about this fear now, I have no idea. I dreamt about a plague of sorts. Perhaps as a result of too many zombie flicks. This particular plague caused you to die in 48 hours. First you had rashes appear, then blood would pour from your eyes. Then just before death you would vomit up all of your innards. Unlike zombie flicks though, no walking dead. And I dreamt all three of mine got this plague. Molly & Claire were the first. They never quite died in the dream but I had to deal with the fact that we were having our last moments knowing that Alex was showing the first rashes. I even remember sitting with a doctor as we discussed with the girls what they would wear in their funerals. They took it like such champs and made it clear what they wanted. Molly wanted one of my Scarefest tee shirts and Claire wanted a pink gown, like a prom dress. The sort of thing she would miss out. And as I was preparing to leave, Molly began with her blood tears. That is when I awoke. Alex was between me and Kyle and I curled up next to him kissing his head and letting the tears run down my face. Most of the dream is leaving me and I know I am leaving parts out because already the images fading away. Except I can’t get rid of Molly looking at me with her blood tears. That part won’t go away and I would really like it to. It hurts too much to see it and it’s like I can’t unsee it.
Part of me is angry as well. Why do I dream these things? Why does my subconscious feel the need to make me deal with this fear? Why can’t I just go through my life, living and waiting to see what happens? It’s not that I really believe my children are immune from death. It’s just not really necessary to worry about it until it happens, right?
I already checked in on Molly & Claire. I guess I should mention that Claire has a rash, heat rash on her thighs to be exact. Not the same thing that she had covering her arms and legs in my dream. But a rash that caused me to have to check in on them. Now I will sit here and finish my cigarette as I try to quit thinking about their faces smeared with blood tears as I stop my own tears.
