Just When I Think I Got The Hang Of Things…..
Sometimes I feel like an amazing mom. Other times I think I suck. Most times, I consider myself mediocre. Right now? I suck.
The eldest turned 12 last December and it’s been a whirlwind of new things for her since then. She went from a quiet, shy, private, little girl to a outspoken, passionate, private, young girl. She has branched out and connected with some people and have found some really good friends to explore this time with. She is still very much private as she only has a few she considers her friends. Most everyone else is an acquaintance. About a month ago she began reminding me that she will be thirteen soon. She also likes to refer to herself as an “adult” no matter how much we inform her she is anything but.
About a month ago, things have changed. I don’t mean anything insanely drastic. I certainly don’t suspect drugs, alcohol, sexual activity, or any reckless behaviors I haven’t mentioned. But there is a shift in her. And I am left wondering what to do next. For the sake of her privacy, I can’t go into detail. All I can say is that the child I was once very close to is no longer close to me. But that’s not even totally true. We still talk and talk often. But it’s much more challenging and argumentative. I am told often how hated I am. If I give her freedom, I am disrespected. If I take freedoms from her, I am oppressive to her. No matter what, I am in the wrong. Even though I know I am not and that I am the parent, it still hurts that part of me that had hoped for something so much better than what my mother and I experienced.
When I was a teen, it was awful. And for unknown reasons, my mother felt that the best part of my life was supposed to be my teen years. I still think that’s bullshit. I know how difficult it was dealing with the hormonal changes and new responsibilities and just the sheer demands to grow up. I figured that my acknowledgment of this difficult time would give me the edge on dealing with my own tween/teens. Oh how wrong I was. If anything, I am left still unsure of what to do or say.
I am hoping this is temporary. That maybe things will improve in time. But I hope that “in time” doesn’t mean once she hits 18 and moves out on her own. Because I have two more to go through all this with and I don’t know that my sanity can take it.
That’s about the age when my hubs daughter started changing and getting argumentative, sarcastic, and an all around brat. She never grew out of it. Good thing she lived in another state cause I’d put my foot up her arse. Her mother let her do whatever and talk however. BS imo. I think it may be the “age” when they think they are grown (at 13), a teenager, and testing the water.
I hope all gets better for you. Hang in there and stand your ground.
Brenda´s last [type] ..I WAS BULLIED
Hugs, you. I’m next. Mine’s always been sassy and argumentative. I can’t wait till it’s hormonally-generated on top of his nature (NOT!).
See if you can get the Louise Bates Ames books– there’s one called “Your 11 to 14 Year Old”, I do believe. Not parenting advice, or discipline advice, but spot-on developmentally appropriate behavior. It helps to know we’re not alone.
Is she going to have a coming-of-age ceremony? I’d be honored to be part of it, if you do.
Yep that sounds about like puberty. Mine’s 12 and going thru the same thing. I think puberty sucks. My little girl and I have had a few talks about how much it does suck.
Apparently, this whole time while she’s dealing with her body’s issues, her mood swings are based on her hormonal flairs.
The best thing you can do right now is hug her and tell her you love her anytime you get the chance. And when she gets argumentative, ask her “why do you feel that way?” and before you give her more freedom, tell her you need to think she’s mature enough to handle it. And before you take away freedoms, think about why she’s so argumentative. At this age, they all rebel. When she gets disrespectful, tell her it hurts you when she speaks about you that way, then just stop talking to her. Walk away. If you walk away, she has no reason to fight anymore. She will have to deal with that. Don’t tell her you are done, or the conversation is over (oh gods, if you do that, she will say even more)
My daughter will talk back and start fights when her hormones flair up. She hasn’t even got her period yet! But the doctor says it’s on it’s way soon. I’ve used the above ways to deal with her, then I also don’t follow her to her room when she decides to slam her door, yelling that she hates me for whatever is convenient at the moment. I sigh. I get a cup of tea, and I wait for her to calm down. & when she comes back to the room, after she realises you aren’t going to chase after her, her attitude will change for the moment.
Hey, my daughter only thinks it’s the end of the world 3 times a day right now, that’s pretty good compared to how stressful highschool will be later! Hang in there, because it will be worth it. She will come right back to you when she as a problem she can’t solve, especially when she realises that you actually do understand what she’s going thru.
Hugs lots and lots!
Angelina
Luck and hugs. I suspect that each of your 3 children will be worlds different from the next when it comes to this time of life. Hopefully there will be good to go with the bad experiences!
Thank you! I am looking up that book on Amazon. I don’t know if she will do a ceremony or not. Sometimes she wants one and other times she rejects it as being “gross”. I am hoping she will do it, I think it would be a great way for her to embrace who she is.
I cannot possibly thank you enough for this comment. I am amazed at how advice can sometimes come so easily and then when you are in the middle of your own crisis, you become lost. I really appreciate what you have suggested and will try them out!
They have those books at the library