The Pagan Mom Blog

I didn’t have what I considered that high of expectations for 2010. I just wanted to see the economy improve and maybe a few less deaths this yea. Really…..that was all I wanted. And seven days into the new year, I am ready to go back to 2009.

The Car – so our car is STILL in the shop. We took it back to the shop 6 days ago. We were told that it would be finished at the latest yesterday and that we would have a loaner. Well we don’t have our car and we didn’t have a loaner until last night. They have to pull out our transmission and re-seal it. They also have to replace a tranny fluid line that happened to lay on our exhaust and burned a hole in the line. They are also SUPPOSED to check the entire car for any other leaks. But you know, that is what it was taken in for the day before we went to Florida.

Oil – the night before last, we ran out of heating oil. Yea. During the big freeze we had no oil.

Water Main Break – yesterday morning a water main broke 100 feet from my house. Fortunatley it didn’t affect our water supply but the shutting down of the road caused some issues for drivers who use my street as a shortcut.

Marriage – yea this isn’t really going well. When I got married we were a team. We communicated. And Mr. P appeared to be going in a similar direction as me……improving ourselves. Cause that is what people do right? Apparently not. In the last year my husband and I are not on the same page let alone a similar path. He is content to sit and just let things happen. If I want something I set out to  make it happen. He will avoid confrontation with people he does business with (ie: leaving the mechanics without a loaner despite the promise to get one). I will confront someone if they promised me something that I need. In short, he has become a person who (or at least this is how I see it) depends on me but doesn’t support me when I need it. I am very headstrong and I tend to take control of situations. But I need help sometimes and I don’t get it. Even if I ask, I don’t get it. He won’t communicate with me anymore. In the case of our heating oil: I ask him what we are doing about it. He says “I don’t know”. I find out AFTER the oil company comes that he spoke with them several hours prior about getting it. At no time does he feel a need to tell me we are going t have heat. And when I ask him why he does this I get “You don’t need to worry in first place.” REALLY ASSHOLE? 3 kids and my personal preference for warmth and the fact that I don’t want our pipes to freeze and burst means I should just sit back and see if you resolve the issue? I am sorry…….am I the only one bothered by this??? Then even worse is that our personalities are changing. He says “I am an asshole” and then apparently decides to aspire to be that asshole. I mean most people I know don’t REALLY want to be an asshole. If they recognize asshole behavior they work on it to be better human beings. Nope, not the hubs. He seems to think it’s ok to be that asshole. Even worse is that he behaves like my mom. He continually complains ALL THE TIME and it’s always about other people. He is never at fault. When you call him on his bullshit, he refuses to acknowledge, accept it, and apologize for it. And I really hate to point this out but he is starting to be that stereotypical Christian. He bashes all other Christians but his way is the “only right way”.And that whole apology thing, yea he doesn’t have to do that because of his automatic ticket to heaven (yea this is leaving a nasty taste in my mouth!). The real kicker that has been on my mind alot is that he cannot explain why he loves me. Seriously, ask him and it’s ”I don’t know”. I think it’s because he really doesn’t and he is trying to force something that isn’t there. That is what hurts most of all.

 It’s not like I didn’t know he was like this. But when we got married, it was like he was working on being a better person. And watching him grow then it was like I knew he was going to change. That hasn’t happened(or maybe it has but in the opposite direction?) and I feel duped and like the biggest idiot right about now. LEaving? Ha, that’s a freaking joke. I am stuck. I put in over 20 applications at just about anything I could think of between Nov and Dec last year. I got NOTHING. I can’t leave because I can’t take care of me and the kids on my own. I mean to leave him means I have to leave my job. I love my job and that is really the only reason why I haven’t just packed up and left. So I think my plans for 2010 is to work on being able to leave. I don’t like hating him this much and I know if I can leave things would be so much better.

So 2009 really sucked. The beginning of the year was hard as we lost clients to death, clients lost lots of family to death, friends lost family to death, and amidst all of that we lost one of our own. The economy here in town went into the toilet later in the year and struggles ensued. Work became near non-existent and trying to nail a second job proved pointless. Right before our trip to Florida a snowstorm hit that ended up causing damage to our car. We left it at the mechanics while we went out of town so they could repair it. We got it back this past Wednesday.

Normally I don’t do anything for New Year’s Eve. We will let the kids stay up but I am usually in bed by 9 or 10 like any other night. Well last night the inlaws decided to take the grandkids and that meant a night for us alone. Wohooo! Right? Yea, so I thought. We quickly decided dinner and a movie. Then we heard about a party that we could go to and hubs (aka Mr. Anti Social) actually thought we should go. So we head out to the inlaws (45 min away) and when we get there smoke is pouring out from under our hood. We check everything and it’s coming from the transmission fluid thingymajiggy. Hubs calls the mechanic and he suggests that it’s possible some fluid got spilled and our engine just didn’t get hot enough to burn it off until now. Sounds pretty legit considering we hadn’t really drove much until NYE. So we drop kids off and head back into town. Only to find that smoke is STILL pouring out of the hood when we get to the house. So hubs decides to check fluid levels. There is NO tranny fluid. I mean not a drop! He calls the mechanic back who asks us to get some fluid in it and get it to him today (he is open, yay!) and he is going to personally fix it instead of one of his people (it’s been an issue lately). In the meantime he will get us a car. Ok, great. SO hubs wants to run to a auto parts store last night, we get to the nearest one and they are closed. By now the transmission is shuddering and I decide we are going back home and not moving the car AT ALL! So I figure ok, we can’t do a movie and we can’t go to the party. It’s ok, we are still gonna have fun. We start walking to a Burger King right around the corner for dinner. Fortunatley a new mexican place was right by there and open, so we mosey on over. The food was wonderful. Oh Em Gee. We got chorizo dip even though chorizo doesn’t like my body. We get full and head back to the house to find a movie on the free On Demand. Hubs recommends we celebrate by making ice cream floats with Rasberry Burst Smirnoff Ice. Oh man, it was sooooooooo good. I couldn’t finish mine because I felt pretty full. But then the downfall happened. We were watching this movie and it really pissed me off. I don’t really want to rehash it but it was almost right up there with Zeitgeist Movie on the bullshit meter. So when I get pissed off pretty bad my stomach gets into knots. I decided not to finish watching and headed to bed to read Bhagavada Gita (good choice considering I needed to chill lol). And true to my normal self I fell asleep by 9. However, at 12:30 am I woke up feeling so nauseaus. Now I first thought it was the alcohol despite the fact I really wasn’t drunk. However, I never puked. I just spend the last 8 hours racing to the bathroom with horrible bowel movements and cramping. It’s totally the chorizo. I don’t think the Smirnoff Ice and Ice Cream helped either. So I am tired this morning but I can’t sleep. We are hoping to find an auto parts store open this morning, or a gas station, so we can get the tranny fluid and get the car to the shop. If we manage it, 2010 is going to be the improving year. If not, it’s a bad bad sign. Ok probably not, it just feels that way.

Oh onto the blog theme stuff I gave thought to. Here is what I am gonna do. I am NOT going to do a theme each day. I need to have some spontaneity. But I am going to have some theme days. Starting tomorrow. So here is the days:

Saturday: Blog of the Week (someone had blog love so I am not using that). This will feature blogs I follow in my reader. Each week I am going to highlight someone. I follow lots of really great blogs and maybe you will find one that you connect with also!

Sunday: Crafty Day. I will discuss what projects I completed that week, what I am currently working on, and upcoming projects planned.

Wednesday: Witchy Wednesday. This will be an eclectic range of quotes or passages from various books and religious texts. Maybe a spell or two and discussions on upcoming Sabbats and Esbats. If it’s pagan it will be here lol.

Friday: Twitter Follow Friday. I kinda don’t enjoy doing Follow Friday on Twitter anymore because I feel like the tweets get lost in the mix. I also find I can’t keep track who I recommend each week because I don’t recommend everyone lest I spend all of Friday tweeting about people. No, I will do a blog post on 5 tweeters and why you should follow them.

That leaves Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday as my days off or to use as my spontaneous days. I think it’s a pretty good schedule and not to rigid.

Ok I need to go lay down a bit then get on the phone. Have a wonderful day!

I am writing this because I think so many people are caught up in the emotional aspect of the victims, that they aren’t looking at the flip side.

Let me state clearly that HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT INEXCUSABLE!

At 7pm last night I sat with candles lit and gathered every bit of positive loving energy I could and sent it forth. It was my personal goal to send that love to military families who have family at Fort Hood, those at Fort Hood, and most importantly…..to Hasan and his family.

Upon watching the news this morning we learned so much more. We went from 3 shooters to 1. When I saw the name, I groaned. I knew what was coming. The witch hunts. My first thought was “of all people, it just had to be a Muslim”.  Upon looking at websites with personal commentary and floating around on Yahoo Answers I was right. So horribly right. It isn’t just moments of horrifying violence that causes me to lose hope for humanity….it’s watching people blame and point fingers and go on radical rants about ridding the world of religion because of one event. Or in their argument, one event too many. Not once are these people considering the flip side. When you ask them about it, they huffily respond “Are you even caring about the victims?”. Of course we are, we all are. It’s a natural response to come to the victims and give them a hug and tell them it will be all ok. We take the time to commend the hero’s who step up when the odds are against them and put a stop to the menace. But we always seem to brush aside other underlying factors.

If you want to rid the world of violence, we have GOT to stop being so hateful to each other. If Hasan’s claims are true and he was consistently berated for his religion, then it’s of no surprise that it broke him down. He was not in great mental health. It was reported he was undergoing treatment for alcohol abuse, no one is in great mental health coming out of an addiction. This man also endured listening to his patients stories about war. Especially about war in a place that is known for being primarily Muslim. And as the Muslim Chaplin said this morning on GMA….he had no one he could seek counseling from. He was expected to not “whine” about his problems and attend to the problems of the soldiers going out and coming back. Combine all of this and you have a ticking timebomb.

If soldiers were berating him for his religion, why do we condone that to be ok. Because it’s not done with guns? If I was Muslim talking to a patient who just got back from Iraq and listened to this man berate me about my religious beleifs….I would be terrified. And it’s still the age old question, why are grown people still purposely pushing each other’s buttons? We tell our children not to do such things and then do it ourselves? You want to rid the world of war, we have got to start respecting each other. And it has to start here in our home, the USA. The same place where Christians loudly announce that half the country is going to rot in hell and that “god hates fags”. The same place where radical atheists propose to rid the entire nation of religious people and not allow religion into our country at all. The same place where Muslims now have to take extra safety precautions because people ASSUME that this is related to religion and not the mental instability of a man. This is when I have no hope for humanity. Because we as adults say we want to teach our children better, but don’t live up to those same standards for ourselves. And the children are not stupid….they see what we do. And they copy it. And they grow up doing it over and over. Then they tell their children to be better human beings. And their children see that they don’t live up to those standards. Again and again and again this will happen. Because we are too selfish to actually grow up and do what is right for all of us.

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, I forgive you. Someone has to show you forgiveness, kindness and love. I am looking at all sides of this story. You will have to pay for your crimes but I think deep down inside you just need someone to say that we know Islam is not as bad as it is made to sound. You need someone to listen to YOU after you spend hours listening to horrifying war stories. You need forgiveness and love…and I give it freely.

I always want lazy days. I beg and whine and cry for them often. Today we have absolutely no where that we must be. No plans made. I hate it. Maybe it’s the craving for cigarrettes making me antsy. It’s been four days (maybe 5 cause I might have lost a day somewhere). I have been real touchy the last few days. PMS is probably going to rear her ugly head soon. Always perfect timing.

Hubs wanted to use his free movie tickets to see something today. Something for just me and him. He REALLY has ticked me off and well to be flat out honest, I don’t want to go anywhere with him. I don’t even want to be in the same room with him. It’s his lack of ambition to help try and get money into our household that has just really worn me thin. I get tired of the excuses and the “well I could go down here and see if they have work”. Could go and actually go are two different things jerk! Anywho I got pretty pissy with the movie theater in particular. Now all the theaters we normally go to around here have no restrictions on their gift cards. However, this place will not allow a gift card to be used on any movie that has been released within the last two weeks. Ya know how long we have had these tickets? 3 months. In 3 months we haven’t been able to see a movie because everytime we have a moment to check on seeing a movie, the only movies they have showing that we are “eligible” to watch is crap movies. I am sorry but Inglorious Bastards, Informant, and Surrogates don’t remotely excite me. I am a horror/death to all on the planet kind of chick. If it doesn’t have the end of the world, or some ax-weilding serial killer (oh gawd just not No Country For Old Men, that was horrible!), or both….I just don’t want to see it. Ok Ok I will also watch a TIm Burton flick. So I really think I pissed hubs when I suggested he take a friend to see a movie. Oh well. TO be honest, I am just too cranky to care right now.

I am sitting here feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself. I mean there are things to do. Laundry, cleaning, more laundry, prep dinner. I am just not motivated to do a damn thing. If I do laundry it doesn’t go away. If I clean someone messes it up AND WON’T CLEAN IT. If I make dinner someone will whine that they don’t want to eat it. So why bother?

Can I please have a cigarrette now?