The Pagan Mom Blog

One of the positives of doing some themed posts during the week is that I have some extra time to really process a question or comment made to me that perhaps needs processing. I recently got a comment on my “Really 2010?” post and it basically said “if all love is lost then it’s worth leaving”. I was going to respond right then and there but that inner voice screamed at me and said think about it. I have and I think it deserves it’s very own post.

I have put alot of focus on my hurt. I think I have every right to feel hurt but I haven’t really worked through how I feel about him. Too much focus has been on how he has felt about me. I do care about him and don’t want to see anything horribly bad happen to him. I am not so sure that I do love him anymore. I know that there was a point where I did. I cannot pinpoint some real time frame where it suddenly was gone. Hell I am not sure that I don’t to be honest. Intimacy has been sporadic for quite some time. I am actually a bit ashamed to admit this but for awhile now I literally use him for physical satisfaction about once a month when my ovulation overwhelms me. I am at the point though that even with ovulation I am not interested in him.

Whenever the time comes that I have to tell him, I am afraid I may confuse fear for love. The idea of being alone is quite scary. We have been together almost 15 years. And having to tell him that I am leaving is going to be very difficult. So that is where I am emotionally. Just completely unsure of what it is I feel.

Another thing that was mentioned to me (and i can’t remember if it was on twitter or a comment here, sorry!) was that giving him an ultimatum may make him realize it’s time to make a change. I can foresee basically two outcomes with that. First he will say he will change and we will work up a plan, then nothing. Just like any other plan we have drafted. The other is that he will completely scoff at the ultimatum. This is the more likely outcome. Unfortunatley we are the same way when it comes to having an ultimatum presented, we won’t succumb. I really suspect that when it comes time to tell him, he is going to make this ugly and difficult. Not so much with the kids, I think I can make him understand how we can make things work ok with the kids. But as far as the relationship goes I will be the scapegoat. It is very difficult to always be the one at fault. And it’s not that I am not going to own up to my own faults within the marriage. But one person isn’t to blame. And I think knowing all of this makes me not love him or clouds my feelings for him.

I am writing this because I think so many people are caught up in the emotional aspect of the victims, that they aren’t looking at the flip side.

Let me state clearly that HIS ACTIONS ARE NOT INEXCUSABLE!

At 7pm last night I sat with candles lit and gathered every bit of positive loving energy I could and sent it forth. It was my personal goal to send that love to military families who have family at Fort Hood, those at Fort Hood, and most importantly…..to Hasan and his family.

Upon watching the news this morning we learned so much more. We went from 3 shooters to 1. When I saw the name, I groaned. I knew what was coming. The witch hunts. My first thought was “of all people, it just had to be a Muslim”.  Upon looking at websites with personal commentary and floating around on Yahoo Answers I was right. So horribly right. It isn’t just moments of horrifying violence that causes me to lose hope for humanity….it’s watching people blame and point fingers and go on radical rants about ridding the world of religion because of one event. Or in their argument, one event too many. Not once are these people considering the flip side. When you ask them about it, they huffily respond “Are you even caring about the victims?”. Of course we are, we all are. It’s a natural response to come to the victims and give them a hug and tell them it will be all ok. We take the time to commend the hero’s who step up when the odds are against them and put a stop to the menace. But we always seem to brush aside other underlying factors.

If you want to rid the world of violence, we have GOT to stop being so hateful to each other. If Hasan’s claims are true and he was consistently berated for his religion, then it’s of no surprise that it broke him down. He was not in great mental health. It was reported he was undergoing treatment for alcohol abuse, no one is in great mental health coming out of an addiction. This man also endured listening to his patients stories about war. Especially about war in a place that is known for being primarily Muslim. And as the Muslim Chaplin said this morning on GMA….he had no one he could seek counseling from. He was expected to not “whine” about his problems and attend to the problems of the soldiers going out and coming back. Combine all of this and you have a ticking timebomb.

If soldiers were berating him for his religion, why do we condone that to be ok. Because it’s not done with guns? If I was Muslim talking to a patient who just got back from Iraq and listened to this man berate me about my religious beleifs….I would be terrified. And it’s still the age old question, why are grown people still purposely pushing each other’s buttons? We tell our children not to do such things and then do it ourselves? You want to rid the world of war, we have got to start respecting each other. And it has to start here in our home, the USA. The same place where Christians loudly announce that half the country is going to rot in hell and that “god hates fags”. The same place where radical atheists propose to rid the entire nation of religious people and not allow religion into our country at all. The same place where Muslims now have to take extra safety precautions because people ASSUME that this is related to religion and not the mental instability of a man. This is when I have no hope for humanity. Because we as adults say we want to teach our children better, but don’t live up to those same standards for ourselves. And the children are not stupid….they see what we do. And they copy it. And they grow up doing it over and over. Then they tell their children to be better human beings. And their children see that they don’t live up to those standards. Again and again and again this will happen. Because we are too selfish to actually grow up and do what is right for all of us.

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, I forgive you. Someone has to show you forgiveness, kindness and love. I am looking at all sides of this story. You will have to pay for your crimes but I think deep down inside you just need someone to say that we know Islam is not as bad as it is made to sound. You need someone to listen to YOU after you spend hours listening to horrifying war stories. You need forgiveness and love…and I give it freely.

If you haven’t heard there has been a shooting at Fort Hood in Killeen, Texas. At the time of this post there were about 3 shooters, 9 passed on, and 20-3o injured. Fort Hood is the place all soldiers go before heading to Iraq and when they return. It is speculated at this time it could be due to post war stress.

I am asking that all of us take a moment tonight and light as many candles in our homes that we can for these soldiers and their families. They need all the love we can offer them. Please do this tonight 11-05 at 7pm YOUR time (if your overseas, you can do it when your most comfortable). Add prayers, spells, send the positive energy out into the world, or simply meditate on the flame on how much these people need our love right now.

Please feel free to post about this, tweet about this, email about this. Get the word out! Our fellow man needs us!